I am 29-year-old married woman. It’s been four years since we’ve been married. All was fine for the first three years until a new woman joined our firm.
At first we were just friends and normal colleagues but suddenly something started attracting me towards her. I have been a straight woman till now until I met her. I didn’t realize when my love for my husband shifted to the love for my colleague. He still loves me but I don’t love him anymore. I love my female colleague. But I am unsure if she likes me too. I don’t want to cheat my husband but I don’t want to let her go as well. I need her. I love her. What to do?
– Sexually Confused
Dear Sexually Confused,
I have to warn you that you are in not one but three tight spots, each progressively tighter. The first is suddenly realising that you have a same-sex attraction, one that you had no inkling of in the first three years of your marriage or earlier. This revelation by itself can be quite traumatic, but to your credit you have faced up to it. Okay let us assume that you are bisexual. That’s ok, plenty of people are. The problem arises because sexual orientation can’t exist indefinitely in a vacuum; it needs/ involves a willing partner, each of a different sex.
So tighter spot is knowing whether your lady love is, one, also lesbian, and, two, is similarly attracted towards you. One doesn’t automatically ensure the other. Your situation is easier if No 1 is the case, then it’s just a matter of whether she wants to enter into a relationship with you as an individual, just as it would be in any heterosexual scenario. It would be infinitely more awkward or worse if she’s only interested in men. In that case, your main dilemma –‘I don't want to cheat my husband but I don’t want to let her go as well – is irrelevant. However I must warn you that, having discovered this new attraction, you would still be ‘cheating’ if you didn’t share this changed/ second sexual orientation with your husband. This hold true , whether or not you enter into a relationship with your new love. Keeping quiet just because this particular new relationship hasn’t worked out can only be a temporary option.
Tightest spot could well be hubby-ji if he’s the conventional man with a king-sized male ego. Ok, even in the unlikely event of him being super understanding, he will be haunted/ daunted by the usual demon: What Will Family/ Friends/SOCIETY say?! So my dear friend, all I can say is that the best possible, or least-worse, scenario for you would be that the woman shares your attraction and is willing to take it forward. Then you can start worrying about hubby-ji – and be mentally prepared to end the heterosexual marriage. If you are also attracted towards men, you’ll have to find one who is open-minded about your dual sexuality. Don’t worry, this liberal species does exist. Good luck.
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Views expressed above are the author’s own.
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